I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
