My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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