Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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