I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
