wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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