which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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