I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
