I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have fence marks all over my body
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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