there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
