If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
