You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
