Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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