I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
