I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I can't turn off my feet"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
