Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
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you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pants are for mortals
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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