you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
