if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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