well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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