I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
