Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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