they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
