Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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