So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
