I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
