Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
