I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
