i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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