John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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