Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
