just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
