bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
