My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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