the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How does one acquire holy water?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
