WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
