My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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