I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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