You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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