You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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