when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
