Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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