R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
