when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
