Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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