I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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