I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
