my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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