Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
whose ass print is on the piano?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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