My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
