i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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