Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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