Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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