i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
