Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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