two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
