FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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