the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Randomize
