We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
