Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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