I want to have your abortion
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
