Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
