I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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