I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
two words...techno handjob
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
